A Search for Common Ground

By Amy and Ruth

We met working together on a women's issue, and became friends. We found we had similar backgrounds, values, jobs, and ways of expressing ourselves. The most interesting difference between us is our sexual preference: one of us is straight, the other lesbian. We find ourselves talking a lot about the impact our sexuality has on socializing together, working together, and being friends.

While talking we realized that gay and straight women rarely talk about their sexuality with each other. Upon further discussion it seemed to us that sexuality between women who are not lovers is, in general, a taboo subject. That being the case, we resolved to talk about it—and even "come out” in print.

The two premises on which we based our discussions were: 1) We both have a choice about being lesbian or straight. Neither of us feels that our sexual preference has been biologically, sociologically, or otherwise determined, 2) A major difference between the experiences of lesbian and straight women is that lesbians are oppressed, subjected to harassment, and deprived of freely expressing their sexuality.

While possibly appearing glib in print, this short article distills 20 hours of often painful discussion. The vulnerability we felt in preparing the article, and feel in presenting it now, may not be apparent. However, the very difficulty we had putting the article together reinforces our impression that these issues are rarely discussed.

We are writing this in dialogue form because through dialogue these ideas crystallized for us. In our conversations, we identified four characteristics that underlie our interactions as lesbian and straight feminists. These four are envy, guilt, attraction, and fear. Identifying these characteristics has helped us understand each other and feel more comfortable together.

A: One thing about your life that makes me feel jealous is the way that your politics and your relationships are intertwined. For example, when you go home from a women's event, you go home to bed with the same person who was with you as you protested or celebrated. At these times, I feel lonely going home alone-after spending an evening protesting or analyzing male oppression, I just can't fall asleep in the same bed with my husband.

R: I guess that I envy the fewer complications in your life. You can relate openly about your sexuality wherever you are. You can walk down the street hand in hand with your lover, without being stared at. 1 envy that you can go home for the Jewish holidays with your husband, and be accepted.

A: For me, the guilt is the feeling that I'm not being as supportive of the women's movement as I could be. I feel like my personal life continues to support a system my political life seeks to change. Lesbian feminists are making feminism their entire life. 1 feel guilty for the freedom-the heterosexual privilege-I enjoy because I am associated with a man. But I guess it's hard to know what a gay feminist could be guilty about.

R: Maybe some women feel guilty about being gay: they've been raised to believe it's a sin. I'm lucky because I don't feel that guilt. Hearing you talk makes me aware of the similarities between us. I. realize that you chose to be straight and I chose to be lesbian. I also realize either of us could have made the opposite choice. Sometimes I wonder whether I would choose to be a lesbian in a less supportive time and place. I feel guilty when I have these doubts.

One aspect of my relationship with women is sexual attraction. A reason I am a lesbian is because ! am attracted to my women friends. In becoming

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friends with you, and other straight women, 1 fear the development of that sexual attraction. Once developed, the attraction must be confronted, and 1 fear that confrontation.

1 also fear rejection even when there is no attraction. I think straight women are afraid that lesbians will attack them sexually. I have been hurt so much by straight friends. After I came out, a close friend, with whom I had traveled, camped, swam, and bathed, refused to change clothes in the same room with me.

A: I think that experiences like that have to have tremendous impact upon the trust between lesbians and straight women. How can you really trust and be close to a straight woman, no matter how

same time! 1 feel put down when gay friends make the simple judgment of me that I'm waffling between coming out and not coming out. I feel entitled to respect for my choices, as incongruous as they may

seem.

R: I could argue that each woman who continues to relate to men and to enjoy heterosexual privilege furthers my oppression under the patriarchy. However, that discussion would lead us to decide to have nothing further to do with each other.

Because we share a common commitment to change, 1 choose to respect your sexual choice. We have some differences, but we also have important goals in common and work to do toward these goals. It seems to me that if we allow our differences to

CONVERSATIONS

BETWEEN LESBIAN

& HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN

"feminist," after that experience? I think you're right: many straight women do fear lesbian women, and that can be so hurtful.

1 feel many of the same things you have described in my relationships with both gay and straight friends. I'm also aware of being physically attracted to friends-needing to talk about the attraction, and being scared of the outcome. I know that there's a tremendous amount of sexuality between me and my closest friends, but have never confronted it successfully. Sexuality is such a vulnerable, raw aspect of life; it's so easy to hurt and be hurt.

R: My first flip response is to say if you would just come out, our problem would be solved.

A: It wouldn't be the first time I've heard that-it makes me feel minimized when I hear it. I am in love with a man, I'm fighting for the end of patriarchal oppression of women, and an element of my friendships with women is physical attraction-all at the

'overpower our common work, we defeat ourselves. Neither straight feminists nor lesbian feminists can afford that.

What we're learning, partly through these conversations, is that we need to talk to each other about our feelings, as we work together. Envy, guilt, attraction and fear are some common interpersonal issues that lesbian and straight women may have to confront in order to confront the larger political questions together. Looking back on our process, we realize that we really have been talking about the feminist movement. Where do we draw its boundaries? Do I include on my side a woman who is not pro-choice? Do I include on my side a woman who aspires to corporate leadership? And, in the same vein, are women who share their lives only with women and women who share their lives with women and men on the same side?

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